Today is the greeting-card festival called “Valentine’s Day” during which card manufacturers, florists and chocolatiers blackmail men into buying consumables to present to their partners. Hang on, thinks I, after being bombarded by the umpteenth florist advert online, do not men also participate in loving relationships? Is this not all a little one sided? Is this not all supporting the view (as, seemingly, does divorce law) that access to a woman’s poontang is all that she need bring to a relationship? (This may well be true in fact, but I am talking about principle, not fact here)

So, great corporate emotional extortionists, next year I want to see adverts targeted at women saying “show him your love by buying him the 8-channel futaba radio control system for his model airplane project” or “Haynes petrol mower maintenance manual with special valentines toolset”, or even “For valentines, why not shush about the splashes around the loo bowl just for once?”.

I should immediately point out that my own valentine is perfect in every way and even lets me play computer games.