The new citroen C4 is “alive with technology” and costs £9,995. You get 0% APR if you pay a 35% deposit. That’s £3,500, I thought. I’d spend that on a car if it was special but you’d have a job convincing me about forking over the remaining £6,495. I paid £500 for the cinq. let’s see what I’d be prepared to pay for the extra features.

• A handbrake that actually releases when you release the handle: £250
• Five-door hatchback rather than three: £200
• Distinctive Body Style: uh, you’re ok thanks
• Fixed centre boss on the steering wheel: quite cool, £20
• See-through facia-top display: uh you’re ok thanks
• Built-in aroma diffuser: Cool! I’d pay £15 for one of those!
• Ample soundproofing: £50
• Sensodrive sequential-shift semi-auto transmission: I’d pay £25 to try it out but I really don’t mind wangling the clutch and stick. It gives me something to do.
• Boomerang Headlight Design: £0
• Panoramic Sunroof: £0
• Damped, push-open drawers: £20
• Lane Departure Warning System: I use my EYES
• alloy wheels: £200

Oh look, all the other features are extra anyway. So I would pay £1280 for a car that does everything I think I need. Allowing for the fact I’m a miser and a grumpy one at that, we’ll allow it to be doubled to the £3500 deposit.

I’m rambling. I did have a point but frankly I’m too pooped to make it now.