My post yesterday upset my Bro, and he spent nearly all of a day worrying about it. Which is a pity because I only felt like that for about 10 minutes after posting. But he was born a worrier, and I was born a shouter, and a thrower of dummies.

Despite the fact the imagery culminated in my ultimate explodification, it was not a suicidal urge I was feeling, though it was certainly a reckless one. And I think the destructification is also a key part of the imagery.

Don’t forget we’re talking about emotions here, not plans or ideas. The actual instantiation of it as jumping out the window stealing a car and driving it until it exploded were simply a free-association to express in words what is really an unarticulated feeling of urgency and frustration.

All through school people kept telling me I was bright. I don’t think I’m that bright. I just think I make bigger leaps. Sometimes parts of my brain run 10 times the speed they were designed to do, leaving other parts to catch up. Whatever fuel brains use is used up proportionally faster, and I get other times when I simply can’t think at all. Occasionally, I get a moment like yesterday. At school it would be about once a year and I’d flash into a rage and punch my best mate or something stupid. These days I write a blog or throw a sicky and switch off my brain, and wait for it to pass.

Thoughts kind of slosh around in my head, ideas come in waves, then retreat and may lie dormant for years, then echo off the inside of my skull and return later. Often I feel like I’m on the brink of a leap into new ideas that nobody’s had. I don’t think I’ve ever come up with something that’s benefitted me or mankind from this state, so by and large I try to pull back from that edge.

Sometimes, like yesterday, it feels like there is a whole world lying just beyond perception, that with just a small push, it would all become visible and things would all make sense. At those times, the world of 5 senses, of gravity-bound movement, of society-regulated days and of finite life span seem unacceptably restrictive, like being a veal calf or a battery hen. The little shrew brain wants me to punch a hole in that existence and find what lies beyond, to make a grand, reassuring expression of freedom. Of course I know that it’s impossible to be free of the universe you were born in (though SCUBA diving comes close!) Of course I’m not going to jump out of the window or steal a car.

But the sensation that there is something more, something beyond, is sometimes hard to bear, especially when the alternative is to sit in an air conditioned box talking to a pile of electronics for the next 8 hours, then do the same the next day. Then the next…