You often hear that women wish that men were more in touch with their feelings - less so since men tried to be feely in the late ’80s and you ended up with Dance Of The Blue Turtles and a bunch of sick-making didjeridu-owning rainforest-saving New Men. I think womankind realised the folly of persuading men to be more sensitive in a general sense, and now put it in more specific terms, referring to toilet lids, shopping, shoes and other important things.

The thing is, men don’t even have the same emotions as women. George Best was in touch with his emotions. Today I paid extra attention to my feelings, imagining I decided to share them all with the lady of my life. Actually I suppose I’ve just done that since she reads this. Hope she’s still speaking to me afterwards…. My memory is not good at the best of times, but here’s a dramatisation based on a true story. It starts with waking:

My balls itch.
Where can I get sex?
Damn I’m in Australia.
Mm, shower was nice I feel clean enough to have sex now.
She’s hot.
Mm toast. Nice.
There’s that american bitch that stole my toast two days ago. I’d like to shag her though.
Am I allowed to be hungry this soon after breakfast?
My balls itch
Let’s see what’s out there in the world - ooh a pancake house.
Is it too early in the day to get drunk?
I do not want to shag the waitress. Does that make me shallow?
I am inadequate because I can’t tell which of these sunglasses are womens and which are unisex.
She’s hot.
Kate would look good in that skirt. If it suited her.
I am inadequate because I can’t tell which of these trainers are womens and which are not.
Kate would like these trainers.
If they were her style.
I need a drink.
I’m tired. I need sleep. Followed by a shag.
Nice bum.
Wow the zoo. Better not go in the “children’s entrance” as they will think I am a kiddy fiddler.
I am inadequate because I do not have children.
Condoms are rubbish.
So is monogamy.
Poor goat.
Poor wallaby.
Poor lion.
Tigers are cool.
These people and their progeny are scum and should be sent to forced labour camps forthwith.
Sealions are bigger than I thought.
I would get bored in that pool and I’m smaller than that sealion and can’t swim as fast. I hope sealions are really stupid cos then they won’t mind being in there for the rest of their lives.
Is it unacceptable to pee in the sealion pool?
Did she notice I was looking down her cleavage?
Yes, because that’s the reason I noticed I was doing it.
Bill Bryson makes a lot of good points about Britain’s crapness, but how can you fix it?
I’d like a pond one day.
Cool, a “contact area”, you get to pet a deer.
Oh shit it’s for kids now everyone thinks I’m a kiddy fiddler.
I wonder if I should have a fountain - dang she’s hot.
Mmm Mocha.
York could do with trams.
And wider roads. Pity about all the romans buried under it all.
I wonder if I could be a writer.
Would that make me happy?
Happines comes from within.
And from rampant sex.
With multiple partners.
At once.
This is a cool little stream.
I am inadequate because I am not among the snogging couples on the river bank.
Hahah, the things kids say! Makes you want to hug ‘em.
Or throw them in the water.
Pelicans! Cool.
Is it too early to eat again?
She’s hot.
Wonder if I’ll ever afford a house.
How can you find out if somebody wants you to fuck off without making them want you to fuck off?
I’m lonely and bored and want to go home - oo pedal boats!
I would never go in a strip club. Does that make me inadequate?
Happiness comes from within.
Except in my case.
Blimey, she’s a fine example.
Oo, internet! At AU$4 an hour!