I sulked last friday. I think it was a bug actually, but I cruelly told Kate not to bother coming round as I’d probably be horrid to her, and wallowed in self-indulgence all evening. Kate texted me a couple of times with supportive things that only annoyed me… By Saturday afternoon I was nice again and I had a new Thought.

I used to have a housemate who was reading “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and some of the things she came up with were most interesting. Somewhere along the way, possibly from her, I’ve learned that when a woman is moaning about her problems, she does not want to hear solutions. She wants to hear “You are quite right” “I am on your side” and “I’m here for you”: things that at first to a man feel like meaningless platitudes. They’re not meaningless though if you look beyond the words to the message you’re giving. So I thought I’d flip that on its head and here’s the converse observation for women dealing with a grouchy man.

When your man is grouchy, “I am here to help” says “I’ve noticed that you are too crap to manage by yourself” and “How do you want me to help?”(or worse, “do you still love me?”) means “You now have the extra responsibility of deciding what I should be doing too”. A man does not need to know he is in the right (most of the time this is either obvious to him or irrelevant anyway :-) ) or that he has your support; he needs to know that things are dealt with. Preferably without reference to his being in a weakened state. If he says “I’m not in the mood tonight I don’t want to see you” the best response is something like “Suit yourself. See you tomorrow then.” The message you’re sending is “I’m confirming your right to a bit of peace and quiet, and there are no horrible side-effects either” though when he’s got over it feel free to demand a romantic meal or suchlike to make up for it…