I don’t name my cars. Eric was named by my mother. Eric was dependable (as long as you didn’t mind putting the wheels back on every 18 months or so) slow, and plodding. He had a large luggage space and a towbar, ran on diesel, and had electric nothing. Apart from lights, obviously. He also had a few varieties of mould growing in the carpets and headlining. He spent 4 years with me, saw a few girlfriends come and go, and was even implicated in some of these partings. Finally, I decided it was time I moved on. I bought a cinquecento.
I did this for the following reasons
1) a cinquecento is tiny, therefore fun
2) a cinquecento is tiny, therefore easy to park in my overcrowded street
3) a cinquecento has a roof, therefore is better than a spitfire in the rain
4) it had a CD-changer which would go nicely in the spitfire.
I also figured it should be a zero-balance transaction as I can sell the ford for roughly what the cinq cost. It didn’t work out that way - in fact lots of stuff this year hasn’t worked out like I expected - but now I have a spitfire all set to go into winter storage, and a cinquecento that, despite hundreds being recently spent on it, has decided not to play any more. I just looked at where I’m going to have to get my hand to tighten the alternator belt.
I want eric back!!
I hung around late at the office tonight. By the time I left it fell to me to lock up, drop the car park barrier and set the alarm. As I shut down my PC I thought how it’d be nice if I could think of more interesting stuff to write about on my blog. MISTAKE NUMBER ONE.
I locked up and headed out into the carpark. There’s a bit of a rigmarole to go through here, as you have to get your car out of the carpark, then go back in, find the barrier control, put the barrier down, lock up, set the alarm, then leave.
The car wouldn’t start. Pants. I could take the spitfire but I’d just today got it dry enough to cover it up and I’d, well, covered it up, and it had begun to rain. So I resigned myself to bump-starting the fiat. A couple of laps of the carpark later, and it’s running. Right, thinks I, I have to lock up. Aha! Thinks I, I don’t want to stop the engine in case it won’t start again! Now me being cunninger than your average really uncunning person, my keys are on clever doofers that allow me to separate car keys, office keys and house keys easily. So I left the car keys in the ignition and made my exit. As I got out the car, I heard a repeated thunking from the central locking. “hehe” thinks I, that stupid central locking! Just because the beam of wood I put in the back is slightly too long and is resting on the passenger side’s lock control, the stupid central locking has to operate! What a stupid car! And I shut the door. MISTAKE THE LAST.
Well. I fancy myself as a bit of an expert car thief, after all I watched starsky and hutch, and countless other ’70s cop shows in which you sorta waved a breadknife at the door and you were in… I was slightly disappointed that I wouldn’t get the chance to hotwire it - a procedure involving pulling out some loose wires from behind the steering column and waving them at each other until you get a spark - on account of the engine already being on.
well, I couldn’t find a bread knife so I decided a shatterproof ruler would have to do and, well, it didn’t… so I moved on the the old ’screwdriver in the locks’ trick. This is not as braindead as it sounds, on account of the passenger lock already having been smacked to bits. It was, however a non-starter as I discovered the ONLY solid part of any fiat I’ve ever known is the lock.
Meanwhile it’s getting darker and the FIAT is patiently ticking over.
In the end I popped into the office for a couple of screwdrivers and took the rear window out. It took a while I can tell you. If you want to pinch a FIAT you could do it this way but you want to make sure you’ve got a good 20 minutes without interruptions. About halfway through the job, the security people must have glanced at the cameras because a rather loud alarm went off. I tried to put on my best indignant “do you MIND?” look but I’m not sure I was convincing as I’d already dropped the screwdrivers.
They didn’t bother to try and stop me “stealing” the car though.
A short drive home followed by, as Haynes would have it, “Refitting is the [arduous, messy and painful] reverse of removal [only with gravity and entropy working against you this time]” and I’m at home less than 2 hours after setting out!
It’s a 10 minute drive.
Date: Tue, 24 Aug 2004 21:13:32 -0700 (PDT)
From: kelvin beckarm (kelbec1980@yahoo.com)
To: me
Subject: £2,700@07789 376676Good day,
I noticed your recent advert placed on the web
for sale for your 1965 TRIUMPH SPITFIRE MkII
And after going through the detailed informations
posted with it, i found it quite interesting and i
would like you to reserve the purchasing right for me,
however, prior to further negotiation, let use this
opportunity to introduce myself to you, i am Mr Kelvin
Beckham. i am located in 100 Lower Leeson Street Dublin
2[my hyperlink], IRELAND, also, i would like you to keep me posted
with the following enquiries, i.e;
-the pics for closer viewing
-your last and
final asking price EXCLUDING SHIPPING COSTS/CHARGES
as
pickup and shipment will be handled by a
reputable shipping company in the U.K
-the area of pickup after purchase
Regards
Mr kelvin Beckham
N.B.
i will want you mail me your the name and address that will be written in the cheque that will sent to you for the payment of the car.moreso, i would like you to please reserve the purchasing right to me and i will make payment and pickup arrangement as soon as possible.
More importantly, i will be requiring your utmost sincerity and loyalty to complete this transaction successfully in good faith .payment arrangement will be remitted and disbursed to you through my U.k FINANCIAL INSTITUTION, also, , i will contact a shipping company here in U.k and scheduled a pickup and shipment arrangement so that immediately payment is delivered and received by you, the shipping company can be able to come down to your place of location for an immediate pickup and shipment.i will glad to read for you soonest,
Regards,
kelvin…………………..
———————————
Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Mail is new and improved - Check it out!
Date: Wed, 25 Aug 2004 10:44:41 +0100
From: me
To: kelvin beckarm (kelbec1980@yahoo.com)
Subject: Re: TRIUMPH SPIFTUFE 1965Quoting kelvin beckarm (kelbec1980@yahoo.com):
Good to hear from you, kelvin. There has been a lot of interest in the car so
the best price I can offer you is the full asking price of £3200. More
pictures are available on the web. I’m afraid I cannot promise to reserve the
car for you without a substantial deposit, as there are many scammers out there
and I have been taken in more than once.I have fond memories of Ireland. I took a tour in this car to cork, sligo,
kerry, wicklow, galway, and on to derry, waterford, and finally donegal towards
the end of the day. It was great watching the sun go down on the long stretch
from Killorglin to Killarney with the distant dublin skyline silhouetted on the
horizon. We stayed in dublin that night and what a party town it was, we went
drinking in some student dive… called the Hadegans or something. Anyway
sorry, I am letting my love for your country get me carried away!The exact pickup place is tricky at the moment as I am in the middle of moving
house, as it stated on the advertisement. It might be in Leeds, yorkshire UK
or if not it will either be in Eindhoven (Netherlands), or Wakefield. Either
way I will let you know in plenty of time.Regrades
Steve
Date: Fri, 20 Aug 2004 11:44:20 +0100
From: me
To: terry donad (terrydonad@yahoo.ca)
Subject: Re: get back to me as soon as you recieve the chequeHi Mr. Terry,
Thank you for the reply! I realised that I forgot to say I would like £12,500
for the car. I hope that is agreeable to you. I am still not sure that the
bank will accept such a large counterfeit cheque. This is a shame as I think
your wife would love the car and I would like to get the money as soon as
possible. Please send the cheque to the address below and hopefully they can
investigate you. If possible, please attach a copy of this email.Mr Steve (Triumph Spitfire 1965)
New Scotland Yard
London
SW1H OBGMy mother is doing fine now. Best wishes to your family.
Mr. Steve,
Date: Thu, 19 Aug 2004 18:27:33 -0400 (EDT)
From: terry donad (terrydonad@yahoo.ca)
To: me
Subject: Re: get back to me as soon as you recieve the chequeHello steve
Thanks for your e-mail,sorry for the lost and i also i pray that you will get all the nessesary things done for your late mother,aslo i will want you to know that you will be deducting any nessesary banking fees in my money so i will want you to get back to me with your informations and also as soon as the cheque clears you can now deduct your money and wire the remaining funds to my shipping company for the shippment,i will want you to get back to me with your informations so that you can recieve thge cheque on time.
I wait to read from you soonest with the informations and also i believe you will get all the fees get payed for your late mothers medication.
stay blessed and God be with you in all you are doing.
so i will want you to get back to me with all your informations .
Regards
Mr Terry
I advertised my spitfire on Auto Trader.
Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 00:48:54 -0400 (EDT)
From: terry donad
To: me
Subject: 1965 TRIUMPH SPITFIRE MkII FOR SALEHELLO ,
I SAW YOUR ADVERT ON THE WEB AND I’M INTERESTED IN BUYING
IT,I MEAN THE 1965 TRIUMPH SPITFIRE MkII FOR SALE SO I WILL REALLY APPRECIATE IF YOU CAN GET BACK TO ME IF THE 1965 TRIUMPH SPITFIRE MkII IS STILL AVAILABLE SO THAT WE CAN DISCUSS BETTER.
I WILL WANT YOU KNOW THE DETAILS AND CONDITION OF THE
CAR AND I’M ALSO OKAY WITH HE PICTURE .
I’M BASED IN HOLLAND BUT NEVER MIND ABOUT SHIPMENT BECAUSE
I’VE A SHIPPING COMPANY THAT WILL COME FOR THE PICKUP.
I WILL BE WAITING TO READ FROM YOU SOONEST.
REGARDS,
MR Terry
Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 10:43:16 +0100
From: me
To: terry donad
Subject: Re: 1965 TRIUMPH SPITFIRE MkII FOR SALEHi, Yes it’s currently still available. What would you like to know?
Hang on… from holland with a .ca email address? and posting from the -4 timeszone?
Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 10:55:54 -0400 (EDT)
From: terry donad
To: me
Subject: get back to me as soon as you recieve the chequeHello
Thanks fot your e-mail,i will like you to know that am okay with the condition of the car so i will want you to get back to me with the last price you can sell it to me because i am geting it for my wife so i will want you to get back to me with the last price so that i can arrange for the payment and shipment.
I wait to read from you soonest with the price.
How is family hope fine
Regards
Mr terry
(at this point you should glance at clicky)
Date: Wed, 18 Aug 2004 16:57:41 +0100
From: me
To: terry donad
Subject:
Re: get back to me as soon as you recieve the chequeDear Mr. Terry,
I am glad to hear you are happy with the condition of the car! Unfortunately
my
bank charges a fee for depositing such a large counterfeit cheque. I would
love to pay this fee but I need the money for medication for my dear mother. I
hope we can find a way around this problem as I think your wife would love the
car.Best regards and warm wishes,
Mr. Steve
Note that I’ve saved Mr. Terry some time by skipping the stage at which he says he’ll have to send me a large cheque. How kind I am.
I haven’t heard back yet :-(
Wow, fame!
Sort of
in a geeky kind of way.
I sulked last friday. I think it was a bug actually, but I cruelly told Kate not to bother coming round as I’d probably be horrid to her, and wallowed in self-indulgence all evening. Kate texted me a couple of times with supportive things that only annoyed me… By Saturday afternoon I was nice again and I had a new Thought.
I used to have a housemate who was reading “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and some of the things she came up with were most interesting. Somewhere along the way, possibly from her, I’ve learned that when a woman is moaning about her problems, she does not want to hear solutions. She wants to hear “You are quite right” “I am on your side” and “I’m here for you”: things that at first to a man feel like meaningless platitudes. They’re not meaningless though if you look beyond the words to the message you’re giving. So I thought I’d flip that on its head and here’s the converse observation for women dealing with a grouchy man.
When your man is grouchy, “I am here to help” says “I’ve noticed that you are too crap to manage by yourself” and “How do you want me to help?”(or worse, “do you still love me?”) means “You now have the extra responsibility of deciding what I should be doing too”. A man does not need to know he is in the right (most of the time this is either obvious to him or irrelevant anyway :-) ) or that he has your support; he needs to know that things are dealt with. Preferably without reference to his being in a weakened state. If he says “I’m not in the mood tonight I don’t want to see you” the best response is something like “Suit yourself. See you tomorrow then.” The message you’re sending is “I’m confirming your right to a bit of peace and quiet, and there are no horrible side-effects either” though when he’s got over it feel free to demand a romantic meal or suchlike to make up for it…
The more observant of you will have noticed I have a new site design [edit: I forgot to credit lorri for the most excellent photo on the top left]. Criticisms most welcome, as I feel it’s lacking something but can’t figure out what… I’m not awffy strong on graphic design (nooo! I hear you cry…
* time passes *
… o ok maybe I don’t hear you cry it then)
The interesting thing to me is that it’s exACTly the same site it was yesterday, containing all the same elements in the same structure, but the nav is on the other side. And I can’t work the dang thing!
Anyway. Martin pulled me up for missing my chance to embarrass him so this goes out to the Yoyomonster and his bandana sunburn:
On the way home tonight I was feeling nice and chilled. I let one person out at every junction I passed and got let out when I didn’t have priority. So chilled, in fact, that when the pedestrian JUST missed the lights at the crossing, I waved him across.
*PARP* from the Ka behind
I did what I always do in these situations: slow down everything I do to half speed.
Half way through getting the car into gear, and before the Ped is out of the way, a second *PARP*
O good thinks I, I get to re-enact a story my folks told me (I think it was my Dad, but since both parents are under the apprehension they make the best lasagne I’ve ever tasted, i’ll have to concede it could’ve been Mum, and I don’t really want to get into the subject. Parental rivalry is a terrible thing)
So I put the car back into neutral, apply the handbrake (*PARP*) remove the seatbelt, get out, walk to the driver in the other car and smile.
“Do I know you?” I say
“There’s a green light! Just Go!” blusters the slightly elderly, liver-spotted man, smoking what I dimly believe to be a woodbine behind the wheel.
“There’s also a pedestrian in the road.” I say, calmly and helpfully, trying to slightly adopt that “So you’re saying it’s fine to poision our children then?” demeanour that mothers seem innately to be so good at.
“Just fucking GOOOO!” He’s almost screaming now. I wonder whether maybe there are Creatures that only he can see hot on his tail and only he can save the world from certain destruction by getting his Ka to the tadcaster road Tescos before them and he can’t tell anyone of the great gravity of his situation or all our SOULS will be SUCKED into OBLIVION… but decide on reflection he’s probably just feeling quite stressed and impatient.
As I return to the car, he pulls out to go around me. As he does so, the pedestrian crossing’s lights go amber. He jumps the red light and I get in the car and buckle up. The lights go green and I pass him 150 yards later as he waits at the next lights for the right filter. I bimble past at 20-25 mph, resisting the urge to wave.
The pedestrian got away unscathed.