Last night I “watched” the football in possibly the most terrifying way possible. Not having the slightest interest in the game, I went for a meal for Kate’s friend Rim’s birthday. Strangely, Andrew “Griff” Griffin was there, who I’d not seen for five or six years, but who I’d been wondering about the previous day.

It was ladies’ night at the restaurant, and some kind of Matalan staff party was in full swing. Round the corner, invisible to us, was a small lounge area showing the footy. The result was that there were probably 4 guys in there, all in our party, and the rest of the restaurant was rammed to the gills with Matalan-accoutred females mostly mid-20s to mid-30s. When England scored, the entire place erupted into female-only cheering and jubilation.

Imagine the terror of sharing a pub with a hen party.

Now treble it.